My life
Firstly, i want to apologise to those who have been reading my blog. Sorry i havent been consistent in updating it. So many things have been happening around me. Parties, people, assignments, friends bla bla. I havent met any wonderful guys at all though. Its either the occasional fuck or just guys whom i hang with. But ive been quite down lately. Going to the gym makes me feel inferior. Going to the clubs and seeing happy gay couples makes me envious. Some of my friends think im trying too hard to look for "the one". Am i? Maybe im thinking too much. Someone even commented i have OCD, which i dont think is very true.
Somehow ive lost the cheerful and happy me. I cant seem to find it in myself anymore. 75% of the time, im pretty much upset/depressed. My friend told me i might have to see a psychologist. Hmmm i dont think its that serious. But if u have been reading my blog, you do realise that i dont blog much about sex anymore. I dont know why either. I used to find so much enjoyment in writing them, these days i dont, something must be wrong.
This morning i was talking to him. Hes a guy whom i met thru the net like, 5-6 months ago and we have been emailing/chatting online alot. Hes from the US unfortunately and hes bisexual and not out. But i really do feel this connection when i talk to him. You might think that this is totally unrealistic. I sometimes do think so too. But there seems to be this special connection we have that makes us want to talk to each other more and making efforts to talk despite the terrible time difference. He had been there always when im down and when i need someone to talk to. I admit i do like him alot. Recently, we have been talking about the future. I do know that there is no potential future between us but i do really want to go to the US soon to visit him. I dont want us to be an "internet" thing. He really liked the idea, but hes scared at the same time. Meeting me and everything is a totally new change from his life and hes scared he might not be able to step back. Of course i was disappointed and upset. Not that ive been waiting for him all these while. I still do meet guys from time to time but mostly i dont get emotionally involved. Somehow its different with him. I do want to be emotionally involved with him.
You might think im absurd and weird. but this is how i feel towards him really. Im quite serious about going to visit him but he doesnt know how it might impact on his life. Maybe i shouldnt have fallen for him because hes not out and he is bisexual. Somehow, i wish i could let him go so i could continue on with my life and not feel upset or hurt if something happens along the way. Right now, i just feel disappointed and kinda upset. But i do understand where he is coming from. I asked him to treat me like a normal friend if we do meet up but he said its impossible because he has feelings for me. I dont really know what to do. I cant possibly just let things go with natures flow. Because if thats the case, nothing will happen. I wont ever meet him. Somehow i have this mentality of living for the moment. WHo knows what might happen today, tomorrow or the next? I just want to treasure every moment and make the best use out of it. Thats why if i really want to do something/meet somebody, i'll just go ahead an do it. Is that too rash?
I wish the world is one continent so that the distance between us wont be that far. I wish i could be with someone i truly love/he truly loves me. I wish better things could happen to me and my life. I wish i had a shoulder to lean on now and cry all i want. im so weak =X
posted by Bunsguy @ 1:42 PM
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